My wife sent me an email today

I’m at work and my wife is on a day off.  I think she planned to garden today.  All I really know is I received this email around noon.

The phone woke me up, I listened to the long stress filled story about the lawnmower, got out of bed, threw my clothes on, went into the garage and no truck.  ??? I mentally review the plan and I’m sure the truck must be here.  I wish for a coffee but I’m in a hurry, someone else might get the lawnmower so there’s no time.  I find the truck on the street in the front, get it unlocked, drive to rona and park.  yay!

Went inside, found the mower, listened to the story again (from the retailer point of view), paid for it, had it loaded into the bed and no straps.  I wish for a coffee. I drove home 15k all the way. 8th street closed I detour to bucks for a coffee and some beans, cuz I deserve a treat and we’re out of coffee.  I’m in line behind two women who are channelling the skunk through their hairdresser.  One is disguised as a leopard on her legs and I snigger to myself thinking that even though I am straight out of bed I am not so ridiculous and they’ve clearly tried hard yet failed miserably.

The first one orders a small caramel macchiato with sugar free syrup and skim milk and a low fat veggie sandwich and pulls out her phone to review text messages.  She does not move along the counter. The second orders a  tall caramel macchiato with the sugar free syrup, and make sure of it please, and skim milk with a low fat turkey bacon sandwich and a peanut butter cookie. She pulls out her phone while the clerk rings her bill.  She can’t pay until she sends her text, and now she can’t pick her cookie up because she’s sending another one.  Now there are ten people lined up behind them and the first one complains to the barista that’s it’s an awfully claustrophobic location.  I excuse myself quietly because after all even the most misguided deserve a nice visit to the coffee shop.  I reach over a phone to get my coffee, walk around the first woman and nudge her out of the way to get a stopper stick and finally make my way out the door and got the truck unlocked.  What I really wanted to do was tell the first bitch to get the fuck out of the way and the second to get her shit together and talk to her peeps when she sits down after I smash both of them into a wall. I get in the truck.  whew, only a few blocks to go, I haven’t even sipped my coffee yet but I’ll save it until I get myself home.  I get back out and take the parking ticket off the windshield.  Fucking skunk head leopard bitch, it’s all her stupid fault.

Home… yay!  I let the dogs out (2) and called mother.  I listened to the story again, and a dog starts to cry very loudly.  omg, is that our dogs???  It sounds like two – what the heck has happened?? Who is hurt?? I put the handset down rush outside and Oaks has locked himself in the garden and he’s loudly unhappy about it.  I let him out and then I can’t find Molly.  I look in every corner of the yard thinking she’s hurt herself and can’t get up.  No Molly.  I come back inside say goodbye to mother, check upstairs, downstairs, main floor, grab a leash and a coat and go back outside.  I check the yard again, calling the whole time.  I walk to the front, I walk around the block, no Molly.  I come inside to get the truck keys and I go to back yard.  Damn, I curse myself, the truck is in front because it has a lawnmower in the bed.  I hear a whimper… the garage door is open a sliver and inside is Molly.

How the hell did she get herself into the garage?? I must not have closed the door when I first checked for the truck this morning and she’s got herself locked in there.  Damn.  I tell you this story so you understand why it’s all your fault. You should have put the truck back in the garage last night.  And you will have to pay my parking ticket to make up for it.  And the dogs go in the garden to hunt cuz you have a mouse house in there and they get locked in cuz the gate is broken. 

Please book the truck in and get that steering issue fixed.  No way am I driving it like that.  I kept thinking a wheel was falling off. Oh yes, and I drove the whole time practically laying on my back peering timidly out the side windows because I couldn’t get the seat adjusted.  You have a sore back because you lay down to drive.  It’s time to sit up.  And you could even reach the signal light if you sat up.

I’m afraid to get out of my chair but i need a cloth to wipe the coffee off my chin.  

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